Domestic violence : Crass across Class

Domestic violence: Crass across Class

Violence is all around us, across the borders, within the country, amongst castes, communities, political factions, religious sects and every possible situation where there’s a difference of opinion, viewpoints and intolerance to them. While we continue to battle at every level to achieve harmony and amicable settlements, violence has come to stay and is almost become a part of our society. But one place where violence should not be acceptable and tolerated at any cost is within our homes. Homes are where a family comes together to build their lives, fulfill their dreams with the support of each other. A man who takes up this responsibility and is joined by a lady to partner in this process, has to be the facilitator. He has no right to crush these very dreams with his dominating ways.

At our homes, when there is violence, it often starts with something as innocuous as a verbal squabble, a difference of opinion which occasionally leads to raised voices and periods of silence or withdrawal. There is always a victim and a perpetrator, depending on the dominating behavior of one over the other. In most households, it’s the male who wields the dominating position right from the beginning. Initially, this is passed off as just his personality trait, or behavior, which only gives him the encouragement to continue the dominating ways. In most societies, right from childhood, boys are treated as the privileged lot who can be allowed a wayward behavior while the girls have to follow a given path. Same treatment continues into the marriage where the son or the son-in-law is treated with utmost respect and complete freedom, while the lady suffers silently in acceptance. Lack of any resistance from her side further emboldens the man and things only get worse. What this silent acceptance leads to, is normalization of his behavior and any resistance or even a voice of reason from her side is seen as a sign of revolt or arrogance.

My maid who suffered at the hands of her husband was one such woman I came across to my utter dismay. Poor women from the labour class seem to suffer through such male behavior, almost as if it is a norm, and getting beaten for not fulfilling needs of the man of the house is often dismissed as punishment for her misdemeanor by the immediate community. Its passed off as normal for illiterate, poor people, where the lady is fully dependent on the man socially, although she may be the only source of income for this good for nothing man who spends the day drinking and gambling or just sitting idle. And here is this lady who would toil all day at her work place, go back home to complete the household chores, cater to every need of her man, who won’t hesitate to break her bones if she faulted by even a small degree in making him happy. Any suggestion to this man about how he is dependent on his wife and why he should look after her better would only bring a crooked smile and a smirk implying in as many words that what she was doing is her duty as a wife and nothing more. Sadly, she would go back to the same house, with a plaster cast on her leg, working hard and continuing to please her man who would only ask, when the cast would be off, so that she could work more efficiently. The only bright spot in the family was the young boy who stood by his mother and came in between to defend her from the violent father. A hope that when he is a man of the house, the lady with him would be treated better.

Such male behavior knows no class divide. While I thought such things would only happen if the lady was poor, illiterate, dependent on her man and the man himself was from such a background, it was to my shocking surprise and later, as I learnt as part of “growing up” that it wasn’t uncommon to find such men around me. What I thought was a problem of poverty and illiteracy was actually more of a mindset, attitudes and a result of silent acceptance over years. Controlling or correcting the ways of their wives for her mistakes even if it meant raising their hands was considered normal. To see men, themselves in the profession of caring for the vulnerable, indulging in such behavior was unfortunate. In such instances, there is always a background of poor upbringing of the boy who was treated as if he would do no wrong, while the women around him suffered his tantrums. He was the prince who had to be kept happy, whatever be the cost. Harmless fights with sisters, so common amongst children had to end in his victory even if it meant hitting them, which was passed off as just another of his playful acts and no one would dare stop him. Anger was seen as a sign of masculinity and not an abnormal behavior, and the mild-mannered sisters had to bear it while the parents felt proud of their young man. He would grow up to continue his dominating ways with his peers especially women and won’t mind abusing and using foul language in their presence. If they felt uncomfortable, it was their problem. He didn’t think there was any reason to control his ways. After marriage, wife was to be seen as a woman who had to be part of his house and his system, irrespective of what she thought and what she felt. She had to conform to his ways, cater to his needs and feel happy that he was giving her so much, making her so comfortable, providing the best of things. It didn’t matter if that was not what she wanted at all. If his friends were not looked after well, while they made merry in their house and if she didn’t play a good host, she had to bear the brunt of his behavior. What would initially be verbal soon turned to physical abuse. He felt that it was ok to mend her behavior, by first trying to convince her verbally and if she didn’t agree, then making it clear that it was his way or the highway. Hitting her to hurt her was nothing unusual, he had done it all his life. If his sisters or his friends silently tolerated, who was she to revolt. And if she did question his violence, it had to be answered with something more ruthless, something that would ensure she never raised her head again. She would remain silent and tolerate, like most women do, for various reasons. Be it for the sake of the growing up kid, for avoiding getting into public spat, not wanting to let the others know, and just smile through the scars and hope that things would pass off. Sadly, the same kid for whom she tolerated the pain was watching all this and learning that it was ok for the man to hurt the woman under his control. The lady would find her peace amongst her friends, women who empathized, or just laughed it off as it was nothing unusual and happened in their lives too.

Friends and immediate community would never know, and even if they did, it was “personal matter” of a couple and who were they to interfere. That would ensure immunity for this man who had got such a free hand all his life. If the colleagues at his workplace knew, they would ignore it and let it be sorted amicably between the couple.  Why would someone risk their career, social standing or even life and limb to stand up for such a cause. Why not let the couple and their family sort it out amongst themselves?

Family, what family? In this age of nuclear families, who is a family, when you live within a community that’s your colleagues from your workplace, far away from your kith and kin? Parents or siblings of the lady would never know, and even if they did, there was little they could do without hurting themselves socially and the fear of getting a “bad name” for the family was enough to bottle up any anger that boiled inside them.

Few women gather enough courage in such circumstances to stand up to the perpetrator and speak out. If done in time, it would correct itself. Before a subtle verbal and non-verbal abuse, which may seem innocuous to begin with, takes physical proportions, its imperative that it is put down with a firm voice. However, after it crosses a line when physical abuse is frequent and only worsening in its degree and blatancy, it rarely ends in the lady walking out and showing the man his place with a legal process to take him to task.

But unfortunately, most often it continues to be tolerated, normalized and the lady bears it with clenched teeth through her life, only to end with a life less lived and more endured.

Does it really have to be such a sad affair, in this age when women are breaking all barriers and proving their worth? Can’t we as a society do better than this to prevent such things from happening? We fight for animal rights and human rights at every instance with all our might as a community and as a nation. Why then, when it comes to the rights of the lady at home, we leave her at the mercy of her man?

It is all fine if things are good, but when it isn’t, why can’t she gather enough courage, get adequate support from all quarters and be bold enough to stand up for her own rights. Why should she suffer for the sake of her children and the family prestige as if all that is only her responsibility? While we go about making this world a safe place for women, why can’t we start at her very home and make it safe for her there. Let us not presume that a woman at home with her man is always safe. How can a man go scot free when he blatantly violates and denies basic care and dignity to his own family?

Women need to be stronger to counter such men who perpetrate violence against them. Early indications of dominance and abusive behavior, however subtle, should be recognized and dealt with by strong responses. There should be no tolerance to repressive behavior and tendency to control, encroaching onto her freedom. At no cost should such behavior be allowed to normalize. Independence both financial and social should be a woman’s endeavor and however nice a man may be, the lady should have her own space.  A set of friends and social environment where she can share her thoughts, feel free and resort to fall back in case of any eventualities. She should handle her own affairs and be in touch with her kith and kin with no interference from him. A job that not only gives her financial independence but also some time out of home to interact with others should be an imperative to develop a well rounded personality.

As a society, what can we do to make it better?

At homes, lets teach our sons that it is not ok to bully or hit his sister, whatever be the provocation. Let the girls know that they need not tolerate any wrong doing. They don’t have to indulge their brothers by suffering in silence. What they tolerate today in silence, is a wrong being normalized for the future. Let it be understood clearly that a boy is in no way superior and has no right of dominance. There should be no special treatment whatsoever.

Any act of verbal or physical abuse within our close quarters, or community should not be accepted or brushed aside as a personal matter. There needs to be zero tolerance for such behavior at all levels. Never hesitate to ring the bell, if you feel any act of violence is being perpetrated on a vulnerable woman next door. In an official capacity or as a friend, stand up for the woman, however close or well known the criminal may be. Let a man not feel safe when his hands are raised on woman he vowed to care for. Such men need to be exposed, named and socially isolated in the community and shown the right way, whatever it takes.

Silent acceptance or looking the other way is not an option. Let us not be partners in this unforgivable crime.