Race Experience - Berlin Marathon 2019

Every race I train for, I aim for an improvement over the previous timing, for timings are the only tangible way to grade the performance in this sport. But anyone who has run a marathon would agree that this distance tests you beyond your physical capabilities and endurance, and to assess it purely on the basis of timing may be often unjust. After having had a good race at TMM 2019, I was already looking at my next FM, and Berlin looked promising, with an urge to tick another WMM after Chicago last year. Berlin being a flat, weather-conducive, world record course, the greed to perform my best was natural, which I mentioned to coach Ash.
After an injury restricted race at TCS World 10k in May, I was all set to train for this September event, and a plan was put in place June onwards. Training in the Delhi summer is a challenge in itself, but it was diligently done although most pace targets couldn’t be achieved but the effort was there.
Injuries are an inevitable part of an athlete’s life, especially an ageing one, with work commitments and time constraints which hamper proper recovery. While one can’t prevent them totally, one needs to work around them, live and train through them, for optimal results. This would entail a strong mind, willingness to accept, resetting of targets and keeping the ultimate goal of a long and healthy running career. This would definitely mean some moments of pain, disappointment and despair, requiring one to have the grit and determination to pass through these phases and come out stronger. These are the intangible aspects of this challenging distance that make it such a character building sport.
All went well till the Sunday long run, 2 weeks pre-race, when the agonising heat and humidity left me stop short due to an unusually high perceived effort. The run left me with a sore calf, which turned out to be painful knots and trigger points, that made any further runs impossible. The sports physios assessed it and suggested rest with release procedures, massages and needling, all in an effort to get me back and running. Ten days to get on to the flight to Berlin, it was going to be a touch and go, a challenge that the energetic physios accepted, looking at my keenness to undergo any treatment they would offer, anything that worked. I remembered Matt Fitzgerald’s words on injury treatment, that it’s only time that heals and in the meantime, one must try everything to make the process easier to endure.
These days were spent in daily sessions till the thursday I left for Berlin and self massage, sincerely done stretches and exercises. Calf felt better although not having run at all in these two weeks left me in a big doubt if it would work, and even if it did, how long would it last in a grueling 42k race. Even the option of cancellation/deferment came fleetingly but I decided to take it as it comes, run till I can, then walk and finish. This was a feeling I had experienced before ADHM 2017, but HM being a shorter race, it had turned out to be more forgiving then.  To be in  such a situation before a world Major, a lifetime opportunity of running in a world record course was too disheartening.
I conveyed my apprehension to Ash, who reminded me of earlier such episodes where I had ended up running the race well. However, I knew that this time, it was different, much more severe and too close to the D-day, and in a distance which is tough, even with best of fitness. These 10 days were mentally taxing, extremely depressing and full of despair, to say the least.
Boston marathon confirmation received on the day of departure for Berlin came as a big relief, and some solace.
Berlin is a great city and the enthusiasm in the local people for the race is amazing. The great support in the race route is to be seen to be believed. I attended the pre-race day breakfast run, to check my calves, one last time, and was glad I could run the 5k, although at a much slower pace than the race pace.
Race day morning I remained externally calm and collected although there was a deluge inside, of uncertainty and likelihood of a DNF, if the calf gave up too early in race.
I warmed up and did the usual stretches and drills,  and got into my block, taking in energy from fellow runners who were all looking strong and fit, raring to go.
I started well, within myself with a steady cadence and pace which felt comfortable and the calves looked to be behaving well. I felt that maybe the worst was behind me and I might just be able to pull it off. Aim was to run steady, as long as possible, and in the worst case scenario, walk the remaining distance. Till the half way mark, all was good, although any effort to increase pace to the intended target felt difficult often causing a painful pang in the calf. The fear returned and I slowed down, reducing the effort and stopping at places, taking walk breaks and stretching.
Soon the 3:30 bus passed by and other runners went by, some of them patting me on the back to keep moving. The pain was getting unbearable, and modifying the foot landing caused more discomfort.
By 39 k, it had become impossible to launch into a stride to run, so decided to walk from here on, with a few short steps attempted but given up.
Aim was to atleast run the last km, through the iconic Brandenburg gate, a visualisation I had had so many times while seeing Kipchoge’s video, and had imagined myself sprint through it to finish. All that seemed an unachievable dream, with being able to cross the finish line standing, being the only aim now.
Mind can do what body can’t, and as I neared the gate, I hobbled ahead depending on my healthier calf to push me through to the remaining distance to a finish, I had given up on. Emotions got the better of me in this stretch, as I walked past the finish line breaking out into uncontrollable crying, much to the amusement of the medal lady and my embarrassment.
A race where I had dreamt of a record performance, had seriously doubted my ability to even start, and had reconciled to walk to finish, had ended with me jogging, through the last few miles, to finish with a timing I can’t be proud of but an exercise in mental strength and grit, that I would take home for keeps.
This was my PB in mental if not the physical effort and I shall always look back at these two weeks for strength whenever in moments of adversity. Injury time is when a runner feels most lonely as there is a battle to be fought alone, and that’s also the reason that such times strengthens one more than anything else.
I owe this medal to the two physios who worked diligently on me and guided me through this traumatic experience and made me race fit. They had treated young professionals, but to see such hunger to run in an “old amateur”, despite the injury was unusual for them, and in their own words, they felt inspired to help me through the process.
Looking at it positively, I am glad I endured and went through this experience. It has only made me stronger to overcome such adversities in the future. In times we live, where everything is assessed  by tangible parameters of success and failures, such a result, which is apparently a failure in numbers, is to be seen as a success in mental resilience, and an experience that restores faith in the character-building aspect of sports.
Back to the drawing board now, I need to assess my injury, get it treated and hopefully, prevent it from recurring.  Thereafter, it will be newer races and better targets, taking the learnings from this memorable but avoidable race experience.